i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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