I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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