In America we eat man semen.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize