I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize