eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize