I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Is that strawberry winking at me??
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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