he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
