do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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