do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
