It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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