Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
