so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
