he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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