I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
