I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
