Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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