White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
