Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
