Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
