I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
