mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
