bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize