dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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