but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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