I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
