im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
