Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
