Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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