You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
