I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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