Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
