She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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