im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
