No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
