As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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