I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
