we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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