I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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