Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
