then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
