I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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