My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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