I cockslap morals
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
