you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
