I have demons in me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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