my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
