Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
