I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
