I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
