We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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