Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
