I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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