Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
