You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
