Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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