you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
