that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
