I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
