I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
