DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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