How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
