AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
