seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
