I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
