My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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