I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
