Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
