y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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