If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
