Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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