I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They took my balls.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
